I am the incarnated desire to connect…
I am the desire to explore individuality…
I am a paradox.
Why am I born this way?
Why am I?
Almost wanting to cry… but then… slowly something else happens…
A small… but decisive… smile on my face.
Can you understand?
…is accessible to all
Like Soren says… is it a door
that I can pass as well…?
Goddess, your mystery is great
How can I understand
Who you are?
Feel would also be nice.
I hope it makes sense what I’m about to write. I do not know if it’s important for you to know what I live, but I write for me as well. Something has changed in our relationship. All of a sudden I find myself in a role that I don’t want to play, of the one that “waits.” At the beginning I liked a lot our relationship, not necessarily based on the physical, there was an energy… beautiful, playful, humorous … attraction. I see that you have these demons now, the demon of continuity, expectations (real and imaginary) … I have my demons as well. It has become crowded here. You thanked me for the fact of having accepted you just as you are. It is true that I have no resentments. I can only with regret and sadness accept that it is so. But I can not handle it. The evening like… shakes me too much. I hope to gather everything I feel for you and with this energy create in the future this feeling with someone else, free to express it openly. In a sense I’m grateful that you were in silence, because I know, from past experience, how weak I am and how I could carry on a relationship that is not going anywhere. You have your family, I want my. With you I do not create one. I hope to become a mother. I want it so much. If it happens – beautiful; if it does not – I will carry the regret with me. Thank you for everything you’ve brought to my life… When I see you in the future let’s laugh about it, also have a drink, but when we get up do not take me by the hand, and if you do, however, I hope to have the strength to break away with kindness.
I’m sitting behind my desk, with a completely different life than what it was when I last time wrote on this blog. I live in Italy now. I changed country, I changed mentality, I basically changed for good. And grateful for that! I’m close to turning 40 and I learned a couple of lessons, wanted to share with you some of them:
lesson no1: don’t take life too personally! it’s just like monopoly, sometimes you synchronically step in a bad period, but you shouldn’t cry about it. The best way to get over it, just like in monopoly, is to take it with the upmost indifference.
lesson no2: consistency is underrated in our society! The moto: “follow your heart” for sure made it much easier to not show consistency when resistance comes along. Sometimes it’s hard, but if you show some consistency, especially when it’s hard, your heart will thank you for it!
lesson no3: each failure is one step closer to your goal. And this is not a fact, it’s a mindset, that if applied will make your life easier, happier and richer!
Hope you’re happy, people!
Time oppression. I have no time! Or do I?
Do you know what my theory is? That time is love. When you don’t have the time, you don’t have the love. For. That. Specific. Thing. Because, when we have that hot lover, when we feel the passion for that specific person, we always find the time to sneak out of any kind of duty and spend time with our lover. We pay the time with our lover with eating time,working time, even sleeping time. We pay a high price because the thing that we are paying has a high value for us. We find the time.
In that optic, the next time you say you have no time, what are you actually saying? And why aren’t you saying it that way? Why using time as an excuse? It’s half past midnight, I’m exhausted, I have worked for 14 hours strait I don’t know how many days in a row. Days? Sorry, months. My nerves are thin as a bubble, waiting to burst. I have no clue on which fuel am I running right now. And still, in this forgotten hour, I open my laptop and I write.
God help me, but I do love you. I might not be the perfect lover, I might be the lousiest writer that ever existed, but I do find you are pretty hot, my beautiful writing.
Do you have a talent? Do you know how to do something that no one else does?
Well, I guess… that is a harsh question. I would like it to be writing, but it seems that is not the case. I have been writing for years: short stories, diaries, book attempts… Hours and hours of writing. Am I any better than years before? Yes, but… Am I really good at it? Do I feel I’m transmitting my mission, my essence, my stories through writing… I don’t know. I truly hope so. And I’m afraid the answer might be… NO.
Sitting on a bench, with the feet barely touching the ground, looking down, I realised that writing is the thing that keeps me alive. It is the thing that I most love to do. I really don’t spare myself with the things I do, I have many jobs, many responsibilities, many items in my calendar during the day, but the only thing really giving me strength is this. Moments when I hit these small black buttons with letters on it, trying to make sense of my life by writing about it.
I hope it means something to you. I hope it will give you strength to carry on, to write or dance or … anyway to keep on doing what gives you life. My prayer is to find that fine line, to keep on doing all those things that just should be done and this, things that are completely irrational, not required, but… alive.
You are who you are:
- your relationships
- your job
- your health
- your diet
- your feelings
- your …
And you wish what you wish:
- ideal relationships
- ideal job
- ideal diet
- ideal feeling
- ideal …
The difference between this two is… resistance.
Reading Steven Pressfield’s book “The war of art” I finally had one small illumination. Resistance is love. More love you feel for something (that person, that job, that …) the more you will feel resistance in trying to reach it.
So, if we look it that way, resistance is our love for the thing we are longing for. How liberating. And how much easier it will be overcoming resistance! Because, I gladly enter the sphere of L O V E !
This is the real reason why Resistance is futile! – because L O V E is the only reality! 🙂